Under Qualified

This title describes my life perfectly right now. If I'm really honest, it has described just about every season of my life. Upon entering this new season, I feel like I'm walking into Narnia. A magical land that I've always dreamed of. Mom and I are starting a business that centers around providing homes with beautiful things to create an inviting, enjoyable and restful place. We desire to see families built around community and hospitality. We believe that making an inviting and beautiful home is a key part of this. It's a dream that is evolving into my reality. I am stoked!

Although I am excited, I also feel like little sheppard boy David. I'm about to face something way beyond my skill level. I'm about to put myself 'out there' without any knowing of how it's going to be accomplished. Without knowing the result of our business. Without even knowing the starting steps. I have no knowledge on how to be an entrepreneur. I don't even know much about proper marketing. I don't even have a degree in interior design.

The funny thing is, I have a feeling that this is exactly the place of inadequacy that God's children are called to. We are meant to face the impossible. We are suppose to stare at our fears and shout how Great our God is as we take those fears with a victorious hand. His power is made perfect in my wakeness. If done out of my own ability, I'd sadly live a life lacking His power! Boring!

So, this day, I humble myself as I dwell on the Mighty ability of my King, who so happens to be my Father! I stare at my Giant today, and I can declare Him defeated. I choose to put away the lies of my past failures. Usually, I would allow past memories to keep me from starting anything. But, where would that leave me? Better yet, where would that keep me from going?

Here's what I do choose to believe instead, He knows my name. I find joy and confidence in that. I feel like a careless child. I don't have any real worries or fears. I expect him to provide all that I need and I depend on Him to give knowledge, wisdom, finances, open doors, closed doors, abundance, skill, and even complete joy!

Although knowing this brings me rest, I still play a part in all of this. I have things to bring to the table. Just like those 5 loaves and 2 fish that fed 5000 people. He's given us gifts that we can entrust in His hands to multiply. These gifts are really an unfair advantage to others who live totally in the world without His power.

According to our Father's matchless Word, we are given the mind of Christ. Jesus always makes the right decisions. Right decisions always lead to success. This is what Mom and I are confident of, we bring what we have and He uses it to accomplish what seems to be the impossible. He so sweetly allows us to play a part in His purposes!

We bring our passions to the table. We invision homes filled with families who are able to rest and enjoy the place they live in. They are able to invite others in to feel apart of what they've created. We see community being built in these lovely spaces.

We value affordability and stewardship. We desire all that we do to honor the Lord in our work and in our homes. As we bring these things to the table, we will watch as these gifts increase abundantly through the miracle of our Father. We may not feed five thousand, but what if we could bring hospitality and community to over 5000 homes? Yes, Lord!

He is meeting my daily need right now to overcome fear and insecurity to allow Him to work this business as only He could! I can't wait to be apart of a modern day miracle to see two under qualified children of God, forever changed by His power made perfect where we are lacking!

So cheers to being inexperienced! I shout at my new adventure with victory in my voice! This business will grow abundantly, not by my ability, but by my Father's supremacy!

The Reward

I realize I’m a terrible blogger. I think back to things that have taken place these past 6 months or so that just haven’t been written about.

If you want to, you can come down memory lane with me to play some catch up on health and work. My work and God’s work in me.  

Maybe one day, when I’m more productive, I’ll get the hang of a steady update!

December of 2013, I arrived back home for what I thought to be a quick family visit. After my visit, I planned to head back to New Zealand to attend the Tauranga House of Prayer internship. 

Boy was I wrong!

That’s what I get for limiting God and holding onto my ideas of How he would work in my life. It’s been good for me to experience the tough love of God himself, destroying my ideals and replacing it with His good and perfect plan.

January I realized something was wrong. Bad wrong. While in NZ I knew my health was getting away from me, but It didn’t really hit me until I was home, still and taking time to rest.

Doctors had no answers and thought I was imagining my issues. Twelve hours of sleeping then needing a nap after two hours of being awake was my new norm.  Depression was taking over. Some thought I was stressed, but I had nothing to stress about!

After a few months of waiting, I was able to see an incredible Doctor that truly cares. That loves Jesus. That is leading me to re-gaining my health.

Here’s a list of what’s been going on, incase you’re curious.

It all started with Candida Overgrowth. It’s normally in our GI and keeps things balanced, but it can get crazy sometimes especially if your immune system is suppressed. Which, mine just so happened to be.

An abundance of Candida took over. It's able to dangerously pass the blood-brain barrier and alter your mood and thoughts. It’s like a robot that is controlling beyond what you can control. This explained the depression and crazy thoughts going on.

With a few meds and a special diet, I got back on track. After the first month and a half, I was noticing a change and was slowly becoming the old and familiar me.

Hypothyroid was my other diagnosis. It runs in my family, so no surprise really. It’s best treated with healing the gut from the Candida reeking havoc, as well as diet. Pretty much, I lack tons of minerals and supplements that help my body make the thyroid hormone. When thyroid isn’t regulated, it effects tons of things. I mostly see effects in hormones and metabolism. When it isn’t working, I’m fat and moody. I wouldn’t complain as much if I was fat and happy! (well, maybe I would)

It’s still not up to par and I feel it will be a while. Diet, and exercise are helping.

Speaking of exercise, I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. My energy supply depletes when I work out. A short DVD of Tybo had me leaning over my friend’s toilet. True story. Tybo isn’t physically strenuous at all. If I was doing cross fit, I wouldn’t be surprised about puking. Long story short, my blood sugar drops frequently and I get the weak feeling with shaky hands. I have to snack often to keep it from going low. If it continually goes low, it makes my eyesight worse and just doesn’t feel good.

I’m on the road to finding balance. What works for me, and what doesn’t. 

What I can and cannot eat. What exercise I can and cannot do. 

I desire to be in great health. Please pray with me on that one.

I’ve had tons of other minimal but weird things like allergic reactions and inflammation. Weird skin hyper pigmentation on my right hand. Also, I had a random allergy to a new deodorant. I mean. What in the world?

This isn’t a list of complaints, but just honesty for those who have been asking and who want the down low on specific ways to pray for me. I’m grateful for y’all!

Coming home, I doubted his work in my life. He didn’t do what I expected. I didn’t go back to New Zealand. He didn’t provide me a house to move out of my parent’s place. He didn’t allow me to meet my significant other. I didn’t have all the ‘next steps’ that I imagined. Instead, I was made well aware of my sickness and how I could do nothing until it was under control. Not only physically as I mentioned above, but spiritually too.

Those of you who know about my travels last year, I experienced a mountaintop. I traveled when I had no money. I was trained under the best group of leaders and radical Jesus followers. I poured out the love God rooted in me on my dear Filipino friends. I saw over $20,000 covering my fees, outreach, and living cost and 18 plane rides provided for me throughout the year. Which is no surprise, where God is, so is His supply! It was fantastic and my life was changed.

The sad part. I associated the only change that could happen in me is in New Zealand. Boy, I’m glad I was wrong. Having poor health has brought me a reason to slow down and pay attention. I was busy last year. That was my job, to fall in love with Jesus and do something about the lack of him in the world. Upon coming home, I had other responsibilities and I slowly moved God to the back burner. Oh, He didn’t like that much.

I doubted what He had done in me and spoken to me. I didn’t think He could work in me in this lousy state.

I’m glad I was wrong.

Shortly after my Doctor got me going on the right track, I was offered a job at my Nanny’s Church.  A paid position, to teach and pour out what I was learning to a youth group. Doesn’t get any better than that! Our group was small. We had about 5-10 students each week. I love small groups! This was something I looked forward to and that had me in the word. It was something that I knew God was working in me, even when I didn’t feel that I was making a difference. (Compared to last year)

I had to be in communication with God. I had to press into him for words and direction. He came as I asked. That job came to an end and another one opened up.

My home church asked me to be an intern for their youth group. I felt inadequate, but I pressed in and gave it what I had at that time.

It was a little more daunting than the previous job. This time there was at least 60 students. That’s six times the amount of eyes on me than my last job. I’d done public speaking before, but this time, Satan kept bringing up old insecurities. Don’t you hate when He does that. I sure do, it’s not okay. I told him who was boss and got through it.

One Wednesday comes to mind. It’s easy for me to want to classify it as a fail, but God seemed to work otherwise. He is over things, despite when I acknowledge it or not.

I’d already spoken two weeks. It was the third week, and I was ready. I had spent more hours laboring in prayer this week than the past weeks. I was expectant of God and just knew how the night would go. Boy was I wrong, and I wasn’t so glad to be wrong this time.

Everything is out of place. My mic squeals multiple times for extended shrieks. As soon as I stepped up to speak, I literally couldn’t be heard. Distraction number one. I was flustered. I had to use a hand held mic which I wasn’t use to. I’m not so good at the multi coordination thing. So, that is my number two distraction. Number three, there was an unusual amount of movement in the room. People in and out. I couldn’t keep focused. My thoughts would go somewhere and I would forget where I was going in an instant. The main points I wanted to make never really were driven home. The examples I had didn’t quite make the connections. Fear took over.

When I looked back at my ‘performance’, I thought of it as a fail. I stopped short of finishing my talk and went into praying.

Of course, now I know exactly what I should have done. The moment I felt flustered, I should have been honest with the group. I should have told them that I felt distracted and I could have asked for prayer and for the Holy Spirit to lead despite the attacks. Well, human me decided I could get through it because I prepared, I had notes, and I knew how the night would go.

Big mistake. Too many I’s.

Here’s the sweet part. Afterward, my friend could tell I was upset. If you don’t have one already, get you a good friend. They will be there in the right place at the right time for some truth and love. I was hearing lies of failure and she said this, “That’s not what I experienced tonight. Before you listen to lies, ask God what He thinks.” She rightly popped some stupid bubbles filling my head and pointed me to the One who I was doing this for anyways. He was pleased, I did what I was called to do.

In the beginning I didn’t allow much room for Him to work, you know He doesn’t force himself on us. I’m confident that if I would had taken time to acknowledge Him, the night would have been much different. Even so, I wouldn’t know what I know now, I’m glad it happened the way it happened.

Humbling experiences are good for us. Thinking about it now, Jesus, the human form of God, came in a humbling way. Born of  a weak human and His bed was a feeding trough. Awesome. The journey Mary took with Joseph to Bethlehem was at least a 90-mile trek and a three-day journey. It’d be hard to convince me to do that being 9 months pregnant, no thanks!  

He sustains us and gives us strength. The miserable, unfortunate, and illogical circumstances lead us to where God wants us to be. In the right place at the right time.

If Cesar Augustus hadn’t put a decree for the census in Rome. Mary wouldn’t have traveled to Bethlehem. It all makes sense looking back.

Being taxed stinks, but it led Jesus to His rightful birthplace.

So now, the encouragement part. Thank you friends for being a sweet gift from God! After that talk, where I thought it was a fail, three people told me otherwise. Up until this week, I hadn’t had a whole lot of feedback. This week was significant. First, was a group of 8^th grade girls. Without me asking, they told me what they had learned while I was teaching them on Wednesday nights. One spoke of how she hadn’t heard the story of Hosea and she went home that night and read the entire book. The next guy, I hardly knew him, but he still took time to encourage me. He told me that I did well and that some things stuck with him that week. I couldn’t believe someone actually got something out of it. Praise God! Next, a fellow youth mentor encouraged me. She told me how she was encouraged and excited about the things I was speaking on. She was glad that I was choosing things that are often avoided and not talked about.

Wow, just like that. God gave me three sweet gifts and a nice reminder of how kind and gracious He is to me, even when I miss the mark. Even when I’ve chosen to rely on my human flesh verses His grace. But, look at that. He was pleased.

That’s the story of redemption. He uses our mishaps to work beautifully in his story. He fulfills his promise to perfect our faith.

He’s been perfecting mine.

In the silence, I’ve trusted He is still there.

In the trouble, I’ve trusted he is still good.

In the pain, I’ve trusted in his comfort.

In the struggle and confusion, I’ve trusted his perfect plan.

These things may not have been lessons learned if I would have boarded a plane back to New Zealand!

The unfortunates are leading me to the right place at the right time. Growing in my faith as well as my desire for more of Him.

It hasn’t been pretty. It hasn’t been abundant.

It’s been hard and just enough. It’s been waiting and enduring.

It’s been pouring out and loving.

May you be encouraged that the hard times allow us to experience a side of Jesus that we wouldn’t normally if we were on top of that glorious mountain all the time. We need to experience the sweetness of a heavenly Father, as we trust him to take care of us in times of need.

He is the reward. 

Messy Maintenance

I figure it’s time now, time to be real.

I don’t usually put my personal ‘messy’ life on this world wide web of ours.

I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I need to write about this emotional stage of my life. I tend to keep my stuff to myself. It’s easier that way. But not always beneficial. So. For anyone interested, here goes nothing!

The first few months of being home from my adventures last year have been challenging. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 reasons.

Struggle No. 1: Undiagnosed Health. In the beginning, I didn’t talk to much anyone about what was happening. Depression set in and hope flew out the window. To the best of my confused ability, I did share with my mom and my dear friends Katie and Amber. They were sweet to listen, and helpful. (special thanks to these ladies) xoxo

Instead of fully embracing the mess, I desperately tried to pull myself together, knowing this is not my ‘normal self’. The ‘Fake it till I make it’ mantra only lasted until April. Doctors couldn’t tell me what was wrong, all test came back normal. (Apparently, I was going crazy!) I slowly began talking and feeling my way through. Most of the time, those talks came out exactly how my mind didn’t want them to. (Forgive me, if you got the brutal ‘fed-up’ rants)

Soon enough, Prayers were answered in May for some incredible changes. My 22^nd year kicked off with more Energy, positive thoughts, and a new hope!

Almost a month later, today, I took a visit to a new (to me) Doctor who is unbelievably concerned about the core of my health. (These doctors even exist?!) My Doctor visit wasn’t just a prescription for my symptoms, but an in-depth evaluation of why my body is malfunctioning! My new Doctor is a genius, our God is a genius. Win, win! (Health struggles? Ask me for details!)

Let’s just say, my list of 20 symptoms and concerns were explained to me today. The Doctor didn’t look at me like I was making it all up. He looked at me truthfully, like I’ve been sick for a long time without being helped. Praise the Lord! I’m on the road to healing and I’m happy about it!

Struggle No. 2: Finding my place after living elsewhere. I’ve found myself lost, unsure about the future, and unhappy in my present place. I think it’s so easy for me to feel like I’m stagnant, stuck, and waiting. This describes how I’ve certainly felt for these past few months. Don’t hear me wrong! Since being home, Big things have happened. I accepted an internship for my home church. I have the privilege of imparting what I learned last year into two youth groups. And, I’ve poured into young families by watching over their kiddos, and earning cash while doing it! I experienced a promise of God’s fulfilled in my life through a vehicle given to me! It’s nothing short of exciting, truly!

To be completely honest, there is a piece that just hasn’t been clicking, and though I’ve had moments of joy and peace during distractions, when those distractions weren’t present, floods of deep emptiness arose.

In those moments, I looked for a way out. I read my bible, books, inspiring blogs, and uplifting magazines. I tuned into live streams with the International House of Prayer. I constantly listened to worship music and worshiped with my guitar. Mom pulled me out of bed to soak up the sun or to acquaint myself with the couch for a funny movie. I said yes to things I wanted to say no too. I was down, but I was determined not to stay there. These little moments have added up. They’ve been a behind the scenes work of piecing my life back together.

I’ve marked the good days on Instagram post and Facebook updates. The messy, I’ve tried to burry, from the world, and my memory!

_ _ _ _ _ _

My purpose for writing isn’t to worry you. The things I’ve felt are, I think, rather normal and I expect many people have been or will go through similar circumstances for all these reasons or even more. I will probably get a few more waves of this messiness in my life. Thankfully, now I have more of a defense built up to take on the next ones.

However, the reason I write is because it’s all too easy to go through ‘shame mode’. It’s easy to hide until these waves pass me by. My world today says only the flattering, and edited photos are posted. Mistakes are discarded. The fabulous and exciting is showed off, not the mundane and grungy.

Friends, there is a need for us to be together in the mess too, you know? That’s where the connection happens. That’s where healing happens.

The ones who know me the most see past my defenses. Even today, a dear friend found me out. I’ve left her out of my loop. (I shouldn’t have) Why I have I been silent and in shame? Surely, it’s because I could never fall to such a valley after my mountain top experience of last year.

(yeah right!)

Also, while speaking up today about my messy situation, It may have brought an answer to prayer for a close friend of mine.

Why be silent? No more, no more!

Here’s my challenge, let’s give each other permission to take time to be honest. Permission to talk more, to be humanly imperfect more, okay?

_ _ _ _ _ _

Friends…

Dear Friends, thank you for sharing life with me through the messy bits. I have had several Skype’s, emails, and phone chats from overseas and out of state friends. I’ve been invited along on week long stays away from my home with healthy eating and mandatory walks to town. My family, both immediate and extended, has been such a joy! Spring trips to the strawberry fields and Farmers market have done some wonders too! Catching up at Starbucks and Barberitos have both been good for the soul! ;) Each and EVERY one of you are great to me, and I am thankful!

_ _ _ _ _ _

Struggle No. 3: Where in the world am I heading now? I have asked this question of myself countless times now. Many of you have asked me this question, and I haven’t been able to give you a definite answer! For now, I’m getting on. I still want more clarity about my life here in America. I need a little more direction, although I’m learning to live day to day. Compared to the early months of 2014, things are really really good. Health is on the rise and crazy emotions are descending. (YES!) Although vague, I’ll have to leave it at that in order to not tire you with the extensive details of where my health has been and where it’s heading!

Spiritually, I’m trusting Jesus more than I ever had to while getting on those planes last year. When I can’t make sense of emotions, and feelings of craziness overtake me, it demands leaning on Jesus. He has been my ultimate, slow, yet best healer. In moments of silence, I press in. There is more to my victorious life in Jesus, and I’m on the path to living it!

I still have that daily growing dream of mine. (It’s not going away, ever!) I still long to see hospitality restored as a fundamental part of our Christian lives. It starts with me and my home, now. One day though, my dream will no longer be a dream. It will be a wonderful reality. It will be a well created and constructed retreat. Ministers and missionaries will find true rest and encouragement. Ultimately, even during the steps I now take, that is my end goal. (Aside from knowing Jesus, that is!)

Truthfully, this dream has seemed distant and unattainable this year. Doubt has risen, but you know, Jesus was fond of the weak and broken. He used them for mighty things in his kingdom.

Let it be!

I will say this in closing. This season of living the messy leaves me humbled and grateful. It’s the process of the mess that is the gift, not the gold.