Messy Maintenance

I figure it’s time now, time to be real.

I don’t usually put my personal ‘messy’ life on this world wide web of ours.

I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I need to write about this emotional stage of my life. I tend to keep my stuff to myself. It’s easier that way. But not always beneficial. So. For anyone interested, here goes nothing!

The first few months of being home from my adventures last year have been challenging. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 reasons.

Struggle No. 1: Undiagnosed Health. In the beginning, I didn’t talk to much anyone about what was happening. Depression set in and hope flew out the window. To the best of my confused ability, I did share with my mom and my dear friends Katie and Amber. They were sweet to listen, and helpful. (special thanks to these ladies) xoxo

Instead of fully embracing the mess, I desperately tried to pull myself together, knowing this is not my ‘normal self’. The ‘Fake it till I make it’ mantra only lasted until April. Doctors couldn’t tell me what was wrong, all test came back normal. (Apparently, I was going crazy!) I slowly began talking and feeling my way through. Most of the time, those talks came out exactly how my mind didn’t want them to. (Forgive me, if you got the brutal ‘fed-up’ rants)

Soon enough, Prayers were answered in May for some incredible changes. My 22^nd year kicked off with more Energy, positive thoughts, and a new hope!

Almost a month later, today, I took a visit to a new (to me) Doctor who is unbelievably concerned about the core of my health. (These doctors even exist?!) My Doctor visit wasn’t just a prescription for my symptoms, but an in-depth evaluation of why my body is malfunctioning! My new Doctor is a genius, our God is a genius. Win, win! (Health struggles? Ask me for details!)

Let’s just say, my list of 20 symptoms and concerns were explained to me today. The Doctor didn’t look at me like I was making it all up. He looked at me truthfully, like I’ve been sick for a long time without being helped. Praise the Lord! I’m on the road to healing and I’m happy about it!

Struggle No. 2: Finding my place after living elsewhere. I’ve found myself lost, unsure about the future, and unhappy in my present place. I think it’s so easy for me to feel like I’m stagnant, stuck, and waiting. This describes how I’ve certainly felt for these past few months. Don’t hear me wrong! Since being home, Big things have happened. I accepted an internship for my home church. I have the privilege of imparting what I learned last year into two youth groups. And, I’ve poured into young families by watching over their kiddos, and earning cash while doing it! I experienced a promise of God’s fulfilled in my life through a vehicle given to me! It’s nothing short of exciting, truly!

To be completely honest, there is a piece that just hasn’t been clicking, and though I’ve had moments of joy and peace during distractions, when those distractions weren’t present, floods of deep emptiness arose.

In those moments, I looked for a way out. I read my bible, books, inspiring blogs, and uplifting magazines. I tuned into live streams with the International House of Prayer. I constantly listened to worship music and worshiped with my guitar. Mom pulled me out of bed to soak up the sun or to acquaint myself with the couch for a funny movie. I said yes to things I wanted to say no too. I was down, but I was determined not to stay there. These little moments have added up. They’ve been a behind the scenes work of piecing my life back together.

I’ve marked the good days on Instagram post and Facebook updates. The messy, I’ve tried to burry, from the world, and my memory!

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My purpose for writing isn’t to worry you. The things I’ve felt are, I think, rather normal and I expect many people have been or will go through similar circumstances for all these reasons or even more. I will probably get a few more waves of this messiness in my life. Thankfully, now I have more of a defense built up to take on the next ones.

However, the reason I write is because it’s all too easy to go through ‘shame mode’. It’s easy to hide until these waves pass me by. My world today says only the flattering, and edited photos are posted. Mistakes are discarded. The fabulous and exciting is showed off, not the mundane and grungy.

Friends, there is a need for us to be together in the mess too, you know? That’s where the connection happens. That’s where healing happens.

The ones who know me the most see past my defenses. Even today, a dear friend found me out. I’ve left her out of my loop. (I shouldn’t have) Why I have I been silent and in shame? Surely, it’s because I could never fall to such a valley after my mountain top experience of last year.

(yeah right!)

Also, while speaking up today about my messy situation, It may have brought an answer to prayer for a close friend of mine.

Why be silent? No more, no more!

Here’s my challenge, let’s give each other permission to take time to be honest. Permission to talk more, to be humanly imperfect more, okay?

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Friends…

Dear Friends, thank you for sharing life with me through the messy bits. I have had several Skype’s, emails, and phone chats from overseas and out of state friends. I’ve been invited along on week long stays away from my home with healthy eating and mandatory walks to town. My family, both immediate and extended, has been such a joy! Spring trips to the strawberry fields and Farmers market have done some wonders too! Catching up at Starbucks and Barberitos have both been good for the soul! ;) Each and EVERY one of you are great to me, and I am thankful!

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Struggle No. 3: Where in the world am I heading now? I have asked this question of myself countless times now. Many of you have asked me this question, and I haven’t been able to give you a definite answer! For now, I’m getting on. I still want more clarity about my life here in America. I need a little more direction, although I’m learning to live day to day. Compared to the early months of 2014, things are really really good. Health is on the rise and crazy emotions are descending. (YES!) Although vague, I’ll have to leave it at that in order to not tire you with the extensive details of where my health has been and where it’s heading!

Spiritually, I’m trusting Jesus more than I ever had to while getting on those planes last year. When I can’t make sense of emotions, and feelings of craziness overtake me, it demands leaning on Jesus. He has been my ultimate, slow, yet best healer. In moments of silence, I press in. There is more to my victorious life in Jesus, and I’m on the path to living it!

I still have that daily growing dream of mine. (It’s not going away, ever!) I still long to see hospitality restored as a fundamental part of our Christian lives. It starts with me and my home, now. One day though, my dream will no longer be a dream. It will be a wonderful reality. It will be a well created and constructed retreat. Ministers and missionaries will find true rest and encouragement. Ultimately, even during the steps I now take, that is my end goal. (Aside from knowing Jesus, that is!)

Truthfully, this dream has seemed distant and unattainable this year. Doubt has risen, but you know, Jesus was fond of the weak and broken. He used them for mighty things in his kingdom.

Let it be!

I will say this in closing. This season of living the messy leaves me humbled and grateful. It’s the process of the mess that is the gift, not the gold.